Saturday, 17 June 2017

Chapter 34

Assalamualaikum :)

Final exam dah habes. Alhamdulillah dah sampai Kelate malam tadi. Tinggal nak tunggu result ja insyaAllah semua lulus ameen.

Kali ni aku nak cerita satu benda :) As I told you in the previous post, aku berjaya lulus untuk clinical requirement dan competency test yang membolehkan aku graduate on time, alhamdulillah. Actually, in my thought, I think I succeed finishing them due to I managed to get out from doing the same sin continuously. That means I have not keep any ajnabi in my heart nowadays. Bila kita lebihkan pergantungan pada Allah, everything will become just fine.

Dulu, dari tahun 1 sampai tahun 4, I fell in love with someone. He is my classmate. We started being close on holiday after tamhidi. I started to like him in the 1st year. Everyone knows about us. Junior pun tahu. But then, in year 4, he left me as he clarified that he did not like me as the same as I felt. He wanted to be free from me. He did not want me to tell stories to him anymore. He said that he is evil, he is a bad person, he said not to trust him. I did not understand why he changed, for me he is a good person. I blinded with love maybe. But now I know the reason he said it.

At that time when he rejected me, I was in despair for a few months. It is about 10 months I cannot move on from him haha so silly of me. I had a hard time when seeing him in class, in clinic, everyday. Gila lah kalau nak cakap tak gila. Meroyan kot. After 1 year, in my final year, I managed to think less about him, as I was too busy with clinics and labwork. Balik kelas terus tido. I stopped stalking him from everyday, to once a week, to once a month, and to no stalking. That means I have moved on. But sometimes, when I had hard times, bila ada masalah klinik, bila rasa stress busy sangat sampai tak sempat lunch, I missed him. I tried so hard to prevent myself from telling him my problem. Dah banyak kali taip kat whatsapp dia, but I deleted, closed my phone, cried, and slept instead. It was sooooo hard to resist myself. But now I am glad that I managed to get through all the challenges and hard time alone, only depend to Allah only, despite of humans.

Dulu, dia selalu concern pasal aku, listened to all my stories, gave advice, bring me up when I was down. He was my bestfriend and loyal listener for 4 years. Nope, at first it is not me who liked him. Aku kawan macam biasa. Ramai ja kawan laki. But he is different. He is that one friend who always chatted with you everyday and on the weekends. Changing presents on each birthday, sharing assignments, using our facebook chatbox as google drive, lol. I learnt a lot from him. That caused my heart changed from just friend, to like and then to love. But it is only one-sided love. Even he rejected me for a few times, my heart still fluttered when everytime my eyes met with his eyes. I accepted that he did not like me. I blocked him on social media to forget about him. I tried so hard to ignore anything about him anymore. I stopped. Until yesterday...

You know, trust is like a paper. Bila kertas tu direnyuk, it will not return to its original state anymore. Yesterday, I feel like I was hit by a lightning. Tak pernah nanges seteruk semalam. I knew the truth the night before yesterday. I slept for only one hour as I do not know how to accept it. My female bestfriend suddenly confessed to me. She said that my guy bestfriend confessed to her that he liked her since tamhidi. She also said that she liked him too but since I was too obvious showing my love to him, she kept the feeling by herself. It must be hurt for her. It was about 6 months since the confession. That means they have some-some relationship behind me for about 6 months. She said that she wanted to tell me earlier but she had no strength to do so, she was afraid that I will be heartbroken during our study. She knows me well. She knows how hard it is for me to move on from that guy. She is always beside me, listened to my one-sided love story for too long. Many people know. Many of our friends realized about them since long ago. They said that they are obviously in relationship. Only me, who do not know anything. I feel stupid. Very stupid. I know I was stupid as I cannot move on from him for so long, but I feel more stupid when I do not suspect anything on my girl bestfriend. She covered it well. I feel betrayed. The trust is broken into pieces but I shouldnt. Actually all of this started because of my misunderstanding. I misunderstand him. I thought he liked me. I feel stupid, I feel angry, but I cannot do anything. I feel angered but I cannot hate them. It is not their fault to like each other. It is my fault to misunderstand thing. I love my girl bestfriend very much. I do not want to hurt her. I do not want our 5 years friendship being crushed just because a man. I also cannot hate the boy eventhough I always said I hate him. I cannot hate him as I loved him so much before. Why does this tragic one-sided love story happen to me? Only Allah knows :)

The girl said that the guy already proposed to her to make her his wife. I am happy for them but at the same time I felt stabbed from the back even I shouldnt. Aku tahu aku bukan sesiapa. Aku tak nak jadi orang ketiga yang menghalang relationship diorang. Allah knows the best. If you are happened to receive their wedding invitation card in the future, korang jangan lah terkejut. Do not hate them, sebab Allah yang pegang hati kita. Allah dah tetapkan jodoh kita. I feel wronged, but Allah who made it happened. Allah knows my painful love story. It hurts so much but Allah knows I can get through this thing. Doakan aku kuat.

I know there will be someone who sincerely loves me insyaAllah. Aku tahu aku tak cantik macam my girl bestfriend, but I know there will be someone who thinks I am beautiful even I am not. There will be someone who will cherish and love me wholeheartedly. Everyone deserves love, right? Dalam cerita korea pun heroin selalu fails in their first love, she's hurt, pastu hero datang. Haha kaitan di situ. Hero aku belum sampai. Belum sampai masa. Belum jumpa. I will wait patiently. Do pray for me :)

Buat adik-adik, fokus study, jangan cuba untuk bercinta. It will affect your study. Korang akan rasa tak tenang. If you have a crush for someone, keep it as best as you can. Jangan jadi macam akak yang kecoh awal-awal, lastnya akak yang mendapat malu. Dan jangan percaya orang 100%. Do not trust your own bestfriend wholeheartedly like me. Put trust only in Allah, not humans. Human disappointed you, but Allah wont.