Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Stuffy .

I feel stuffy inside. So I decide to write something to let the stuffiness go. I want a best friend. I want a best friend whom I can cry in front of her and let everything stuffed in my brain and heart get out of that place. I want a best friend who does not feel annoyed when I tell her my problem. I am a human. I do cry when I want to cry. There are certain times when you're overwhelmed with emotion, when you feel useless, when you feel burdened, when you feel everything you do is wrong. You will feel like there is a big rock fell onto your shoulder, but still you make efforts to stand up on your own. Just like now. Today was not a good day. When I need a shoulder to lean and say, "penatnyaa, hari ni banyak buat silap", I just hope someone will say, "it's okay. kita belajar kan. i know you can do it!" But what I got was, "betul la doc tu cakap, kena buat macamtu" "apa kau buat lama sangat? aku start lambat tapi aku dah potong kau dah." And I was like if you don't know the real story, just keep your words inside, not just uttering it. You know, sometimes words can be calming, but they also can hurt.

Nak tahu ceritanya apa? Tadi aku dah buat boxing. Dah siap. Dah sama step dengan majoriti. Tapi aku terlupa ambil sign untuk palatal finger spring. Memang salah aku pun blur sangat. Pastu pergi tunjuk dekat Dr, Dr cakap "Eh tak rapat sikit ni, tapi takpela takyah buang boxing, teruskan je," Tadi rapat maybe masa boxing aku tertolak position dia sikit. Tapi tahu tak aku baru trauma bila dapat tau markah praktikal wire bending aku rendah? Jauh sangat dari orang lain kalau dibuat dalam peratus. So aku buang balik boxing tu pastu betulkan spring. Masa buang boxing spring tu gedik pulak nak terbang. Cari cari tak jumpa. Penat tau cari dalam 10 minit gitu. Pastu bila cari atas meja tetiba dia ada pulak. Memang aku teruk dalam cari barang pun hmm. Jumpa alhamdulillah tak kena buat balik. Betulkan sekejap, then bagi Dr tengok. Dr terkejut jugak, dia kata "tadi pun dah oke la, markah dah oke. tapi takpe saya ubah lah markah awak haha" Then baru aku sambung buat boxing semula. Itu la pasal dari awal sampai akhir itu je aku buat lab hari ni. Takkan nak cerita kat setiap orang apa jadi, annoying pulak korang kena dengar aku membebel. Bila ramai tanya soalan "apa kau buat dari tadi boxing?", it just apekah? Tak bole sarcastic lagi ke? K. Emosi sikittt maybe I was thinking too much about Paeds clinic today. Tak biasa kena marah depan ramai orang, astaghfirullah awat manja sangat ni Amalia. Cuma ayat Dr deep sangat, "you don't tell her because you don't care about your patient." Hmmm if I don't care, I will keep using the probe when she scared of it. If I don't care, I don't have to be afraid when examining her molar relationship, when I have to retract her cheek that I thought she will be hurt when I do so, Ammar yang check, aku takut nak tarik kuat kuat pipi dia. Oke maybe I just don't give enough care for her. Maybe. Idk

Ya Allah, setan apa yang hasut aku down sangat hari niii k nak sambung nanges

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

hormon xstabil ah tu.. dont wori

NikAmaliaNasrulliana said...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz