Saturday, 26 March 2016

Chapter 14

That's why lah I say we can't trust anyone. No matter how close you are, no matter how long your friendship is.

When I heard about their rumour from my own junior housemates, then I know his reason before was not valid. Lol what a liar. Terperanjat sis. Kata nak free, tapi tak sampai sebulan dah ada gosip baru. Kah ini lawak. Takpe semoga berbahagia haha

Tomorrow will be a long dayyy. Balik kelate yeayy

Tak sabar nak tunggu masa bila kita akan balik Kelate forever and evaaa takyah balik keyell balik. Ok setahun setengah lagi. Dah boleh start countdown maybe hoho

I want to be someone new. A person who won't look back. A person who will leave the past behind. I know Allah already wrote something for me. Usaha la selagi mampu dear self. Masa sikit tak apa. Issue la denture banyak mana yang boleh. Jangan stress sangat. Rawat la patient yang sudi datang, yang tak sudi biaq dia, dia yang rugi. Allah dah tulis tu. Kalau kena extend, mungkin itu yang terbaik. Maybe kalau habes awal, ada lagi yang tak habis aku belajar haaa mana tau. Ada akak senior cerita takde la stres sangat extend ni, bole belajar banyak lagi dari orang lain sebab lecturer akan fokus pada kita lebih. Cuma sedih tak grad dengan orang lain lah. Takpa ada la hikmah apa Allah nak bagi kat akak tu :) Aku bukan berdoa nak extend ke apa, cuma nak clearkan mindset aku ni tolong la jangan takut sangat fikir pasal requirement macam fikir apa dah. Cari patient macam cari jodoh tak jumpa2. Kah kaitan sangaddd k aku tak tahu apa aku mengarut ni. Dah nak dekat pukul 3 pagi tapi tak ngantukkk sebab eksaited nak balik :3

Ok bye. Kita busy cuti seminggu hikhik

Sunday, 13 March 2016

Chapter 13

Being not awesome among awesome people is not cool.

At first I thought I should tell everyone about my mistake on that day. But then I realize no one other than me is possible to make the same mistake. There is only me. The clumsy me.

No one ever knew how I truly felt. I went around telling everyone the story with a smile on my face to tell them that I'm very okay. But deep inside this fragile heart, only Allah knows.

"Accident can happen", my lecturer said.
"But other friend did not make it happen,"myself replied in my mind quietly.

No one knows that day was the day I cried the most. I cried so loudly in my room till I want to throw up. I cried until I feel like I'm being choked.

"Should I give up?"
"Should I stop before I give more harm to the others?"
"Should I stop troubling more people?"

I'm scared. I am very scared if I will do another mistake again, which could be harmful to my patients, or my lecturers, or to my friends indeed. Nauzubillah.

When a new day is coming, I don't know what crazy things I will do on that day.

I know, Allah tests me by letting me doing so many mistakes, so that I will be stronger and redha with what I got. I accept my wrongdoing and I regret over it so badly.

Tomorrow I will meet that patient again. I will continue the treatment. Oh Allah, I am very scared to death. What if I repeat the mistake again? Or make something worse?

I know, sometimes Allah chooses me as a medium to give other people lessons. But still when it is me again who made mistakes over and over again, it makes me fall to the lowest part of me.

I know, if my parents know how I am in this dental school, they won't be as proud as other parents.

I'm sorry umi and ayah. I am not an awesome kid. I just happened to be surrounded by awesome kids. I'm sorry.

Thursday, 10 March 2016

Chapter 12

I'm not strong. Just let me being vulnerable. I want to go home badly. I don't want to be here. I am traumatized. Everyone seems scary. I don't know who to trust.

Nak grad cecepat. But then requirement tak bergerak cemana nak grad. Takde patient ongoing buat gigi palsu. Masa klinik opom dan os pun selalu takde patient. Paeds ada sorang ja. Takpe. Aku still bersyukur dengan apa yang aku dapat. Aku pernah cerita kat umi. Umi kata setakat tu je rezeki kita, kita kena terima. Jangan dengki orang lain. Aku tak dengki. Cuma aku nak habes cepat. Nak duk kelate. Nak duk jauh dari sini.

I feel hopeless. Semangat memang dah lama menghilang, itu pasal rilek ja bila takde patient. Entah lah. Kadang2 aku fikir jugak what am I doing here? I should go to where I should be. But where is it?

I trust Allah. He will give me a way if I don't see my way. I'm okay if my rizq arrives late than others. Aku dah biasa. Alhamdulillah. I know I will be okay too if I will extend and not grad with the others. But dear Allah, please make me can grad on time with them. Because I can't stand being here anymore. I can't stand seeing people I don't want to see. I can't stand smiling when I don't really feel to smile. I can't stand being another person.

Ok dah. Aku takut mata sembap lagi pergi sekolah esok. Aku takut makin teruk demam aku.

No matter how bad things are right now,
No matter how stuck I feel,
No matter how my trust being crushed into dust,
No matter how regret I've wasted my time for these years,
No matter how slow I am in the clinic,
No matter how many times I fell down,
No matter how many days I've spent crying,
No matter how many days I've spent wishing things were different,
No matter hopeless and depressed I feel.
I know Allah won't make me feel this way forever.
Allah is the best planner.
Keep going.

Sunday, 6 March 2016

Chapter 11

The hate.

Who am I to hate people or person who I choose to hate?
Who am I to hate the servant of Allah?
Who am I to hate a Muslim who has the same religion as mine?

I am not hating you. I just hate the things you have done.

We know that we are a bunch of average women. Not so pious like all of you hope us to be. Sometimes it's hard to be in my own college. Take a look at yourself. Speaking rude words with your friends, hurting others with your own words and behaviours. It's not we are 'free hair'. Nor open our aurah to ajnabi like you expect we are. You don't know about our family background, which is not so pious like yours, who are wearing the big scarves since the beginning. We are always trying to cover our aurah as best as we can. Everything is not being shown except face and palm of hands. We wore an inner when we think our scarf has less opacity. Yup I admit that in the past I didn't wear any inner when wearing bawal. But it had been a year since I changed my scarf into a scarf which is not as transparent as bawal. Human changes. So do I, eventhough nobody realizes. Whatever. I don't need people's attention, it's enough for me to cover what I should.

I know I am an average woman. I know all of you don't see us as a woman. Tbh we don't ever expect for you to see us as a woman. Yeah we don't deserve usim man as you said. Siapalah kami berbanding kamu yang soleh dan alim? Ops sorry tersarcastic pulak. But still by always being sarcastic about what we wear, being sarcastic about what I said about not trusting man, it sucks, bro. Ok. Be sarcastic as possible as you can. But jangan melenting when others do so to you. Take it as a reflection for yourself. Accept and swallow it. Be realistic. Ask if you don't know. Do ask the reason why we arrived late, not just being sarcastic all of the time. Don't act like you are so soft-hearted like you have no sin, innocent and whatever.

Why bother advising me to change my attitude if actually it's you who should change it?