Thursday, 10 March 2016

Chapter 12

I'm not strong. Just let me being vulnerable. I want to go home badly. I don't want to be here. I am traumatized. Everyone seems scary. I don't know who to trust.

Nak grad cecepat. But then requirement tak bergerak cemana nak grad. Takde patient ongoing buat gigi palsu. Masa klinik opom dan os pun selalu takde patient. Paeds ada sorang ja. Takpe. Aku still bersyukur dengan apa yang aku dapat. Aku pernah cerita kat umi. Umi kata setakat tu je rezeki kita, kita kena terima. Jangan dengki orang lain. Aku tak dengki. Cuma aku nak habes cepat. Nak duk kelate. Nak duk jauh dari sini.

I feel hopeless. Semangat memang dah lama menghilang, itu pasal rilek ja bila takde patient. Entah lah. Kadang2 aku fikir jugak what am I doing here? I should go to where I should be. But where is it?

I trust Allah. He will give me a way if I don't see my way. I'm okay if my rizq arrives late than others. Aku dah biasa. Alhamdulillah. I know I will be okay too if I will extend and not grad with the others. But dear Allah, please make me can grad on time with them. Because I can't stand being here anymore. I can't stand seeing people I don't want to see. I can't stand smiling when I don't really feel to smile. I can't stand being another person.

Ok dah. Aku takut mata sembap lagi pergi sekolah esok. Aku takut makin teruk demam aku.

No matter how bad things are right now,
No matter how stuck I feel,
No matter how my trust being crushed into dust,
No matter how regret I've wasted my time for these years,
No matter how slow I am in the clinic,
No matter how many times I fell down,
No matter how many days I've spent crying,
No matter how many days I've spent wishing things were different,
No matter hopeless and depressed I feel.
I know Allah won't make me feel this way forever.
Allah is the best planner.
Keep going.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Me too, being in pain taught me so many things. Now, i did everything according to my limit eventhough i'm slower than others. i will accept whatever is going to happen in the future. Himnae yuyu��

nik amalia nasrulliana said...

thanks awakk. himnae too and syafakillah my dear :)