Sunday, 13 March 2016

Chapter 13

Being not awesome among awesome people is not cool.

At first I thought I should tell everyone about my mistake on that day. But then I realize no one other than me is possible to make the same mistake. There is only me. The clumsy me.

No one ever knew how I truly felt. I went around telling everyone the story with a smile on my face to tell them that I'm very okay. But deep inside this fragile heart, only Allah knows.

"Accident can happen", my lecturer said.
"But other friend did not make it happen,"myself replied in my mind quietly.

No one knows that day was the day I cried the most. I cried so loudly in my room till I want to throw up. I cried until I feel like I'm being choked.

"Should I give up?"
"Should I stop before I give more harm to the others?"
"Should I stop troubling more people?"

I'm scared. I am very scared if I will do another mistake again, which could be harmful to my patients, or my lecturers, or to my friends indeed. Nauzubillah.

When a new day is coming, I don't know what crazy things I will do on that day.

I know, Allah tests me by letting me doing so many mistakes, so that I will be stronger and redha with what I got. I accept my wrongdoing and I regret over it so badly.

Tomorrow I will meet that patient again. I will continue the treatment. Oh Allah, I am very scared to death. What if I repeat the mistake again? Or make something worse?

I know, sometimes Allah chooses me as a medium to give other people lessons. But still when it is me again who made mistakes over and over again, it makes me fall to the lowest part of me.

I know, if my parents know how I am in this dental school, they won't be as proud as other parents.

I'm sorry umi and ayah. I am not an awesome kid. I just happened to be surrounded by awesome kids. I'm sorry.

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