Sunday, 30 October 2016

Chapter 30

Penat. Should I give up?

Whatever. Aku lupa call patient. Maka semua klinik minggu ni partner punya. Ok I just don't want to talk about clinics anymore.

Hari ni keluar kejap dengan kawan-kawan. After a hectic week with mock research presentation, research abstract which had to be edited for almost 10 times, assignments, after going through 'home alone' situation in my hostel yesterday lol maka hari ni keluar lah dari sarang.


Hari ni bahagia tengok kawan bahagia. Tapi dalam masa yang sama sengsara jugak di pelosok hati haha. Takdelah gurau ja. Tadi teman sorang kawan beli baju tunang. *Please don't ask me who as I won't tell you, just wait for her invitation card after graduation. Do respect tuan empunya diri yang pasti bukan aku, T.T and she's also not one of my best friend so jangan duk teka orang yang rapat dengan aku lak. biasa lah da final year ramai lah ikat dulu sebab takut kena rampas melepas* So I walked with her today as Time Square is like my second home XD, I showed her my favourite shopping places. Yup majority of my blouses are from there kahkah. Kami jalan berdua je masa cari tu. Sebab lagi dua ketul duk cari blouse untuk diri sendiri sabau je la. Maka aku meroyan dalam hati je lah masa tu. Ye lah tahu2 je la cemana perasaan tengok orang da nak kawen, kita ni tak berganjak dari status single pun. Mengorat ngan sesape pun takdak =.= Ok so she looked for a dress. A pretty white dress. I know some good places for dress too. And finally I chose the dress for her! OMG nak nanges rasa. Tadi nampak dia try dress pun semua duk menjerit macam squidward dolphin dan sebagainya. Nak jugakkkkkkk mana jodoh niiiiiiiii kenapa awak lambat sangat niiiii

So after seeing her trying her dress, ada korek cerita dia sikit. Dia cerita pasal kuasa istikharah. She didn't know her future husband at all, just met a few times during eids, but he knows her. Ya Allah sweetnyaaa ada ke sedara kepada sedara aku macam tu? Errr macam takdak ja, balik kelate pun dua tiga kali ja dalam setahun, raya pun duk rumah ja haih. So it is all about family thingy. Family jumpa family, set date, kenal-kenal dan merisik. At first she doesn't know what to do as it is very sudden out of the time maigaddd kalau aku dah pengsan dah kot. So she did solat istikharah. Tawakkal to Allah one hundred percent. 

I asked her, "Rasa macam mana lepas istikharah tu?" "Rasa tenang sangat."

The day after that, she gained peace. Tak lagi rasa serabut, tak rasa teragak-agak dah. 360 degree changing from unsure to sure. So she accepted the proposal. Pointnya kat sini, kalau kita tengok dia rasa serabut semacam ja confirm lah bukan dia orangnya tu wahai si penulis ini sendiri arghhh amende lah hang duk meroyan sokmo Amalia. Lelaki ni nak tengok dia serius senang ja, dia datang rumah hang, betul lah tu dia suka hang, tak perlu duk confess bagai angin lalu ja nih. Ok takde lagi orang datang rumah hahahaha noob nyaa, ok awak kalau nak datang nanti mintak alamat ye. Kalau sesat takpe kalau dah jodoh tak ke manaaa ye dak? :)

Ok requirement. Ok klinik. Ok research. Ok realiti. Takdak masa nak pikir pasal jodoh. Bagi je lah orang kawen dulu. K k I get it.

Tuesday, 18 October 2016

Chapter 29

I know my posts are filled with negativity lately. My head aches so I'm gonna have Panadol later, just let me doodling something here. Btw, my headache is becoming more frequent recently Ya Allah what happened to me. My eyes hurt since I was like crying my eyeballs out every night with no absolute reason. Maybe it is worsened by PMS, I don't know, it might be. Someone please calm me down and tell me everything will be okay, please please pleaseee. I'm very tired every day thinking about the same damn clinical requirement especially Paeds and Prostho whereby in the end of the day will only leave me sighing and complaining again and again. Ya ampun, this is only duniawi stuff Amalia, Ustazah always reminded us about these damn stupid things only make us lost in chasing dunia, while not realizing that we're leaving out akhirawi. Nauzubillah. Yup I know our future depends on this clinical requirement, but I don't have to stress myself out too much, crying there and here alone, sometimes I'm afraid that I might get depression from this, ya Allah, oi Amalia, Allah already wrote the best story for you. You just have to follow the path, by hook or by crook, finish the requirements as best as you can, accept whatever Allah will give to you, indeed Allah knows best in everything. If I don't get what I want, it is the best thing for me, and the much muchhh muchhhhh better thing is awaiting for me.

Keep patient, keep the head up, keep smiling, restrain yourself from taking painkiller, and most importantly don't give up dear self!

243 days to go! You still have a lot of time :) Hopefully...

Wednesday, 12 October 2016

Chapter 28

I know this post will be the annoying one but I still want to write about it. I'm sorry.

It has been 4 and a quarter years, more than 5 years if we include tamhidi me being in a course which at first I didn't like it and I had hard time struggling throughout the period of disliking. But eventually I accepted my fate and I started to like it day by day as I considered it as my responsibility to treat my patients.

And now alhamdulillah I am already in my final year. Already in the last stage. But. It is very very very very hard :( Only Allah knows how hard it is for me. I know everyone is struggling right now, so am I.

Susah nak tenangkan diri, "Takpe Amalia, nak habis dah ni. Takpe kau boleh kejar diorang nanti. Takpe ada masa lagi Amalia."

I set my hope high. I dreamed. I made effort to achieve my goals. When I think I'm going to lose hope, I dream again. I started anew. I pushed myself ahead as much as I can.

Semalam aku fail lagi issue crown. Takpe sebab itu first crown aku. Biasa lah tu first timer. Tapi bila fikir balik denture dulu pun tak leh issue on the first trial. Impression pun dulu tak jadi masa first time buat. Pernah patahkan GG bur on my first time coronal flarring using GG bur. First attempt obturation fail sebab semua GP tercabut at the last step. My first denture waktu praktikal dulu horror bila ingat balik buat kerja lab selalu tak jadi. Orang lain tak macam aku. Diorang hebat. Aku tak layak sekelas dengan korang :'(

Denture tak bergerak lagi lepas issue F/F dulu :'(  Baru 2 unit per 15 which I supposedly fulfill. Paeds is too hard for me to catch up with the others. Restoration Paeds tak bergerak dari dulu. Extraction Paeds pun baru 1. Extraction adult pun baru 1 yang dikira requirement. Requirement 15 gigi kena cabut tau dak huhu. And it's already at the last part of semester 1. Allah :'(

Everyday going to school, I'm dying inside. Tengok kawan2 semua pakat busy buat kerja lab prostho. Aku sangat tak busy sebab there is no ongoing denture! Dah lama tak hidu bau lab prostho :(

I feel that I'm already mentally drained and so depressed inside. But weirdly I can appear cheerful everyday. Talking and blabbering all the time like having no problem, while in fact I am the most miserable one. Sometimes I feel like giving up, tak nak pergi sekolah, tak nak tulis folder patient, pernah sampai tak nak call patient pun untuk set appointment. It's soooo damn hard for me to push myself. Sometimes I looked up at the sky, the word of "kalau" cannot be removed from my head. Ingat umi ayah kat rumah, I just can cry. I can't tell them :( After I lost my story-telling partner, losing my listener about my days in clinic, I am severely lost. There is no one to advise me, there is no one to wish luck for me anymore. A few times I opened up your chatbox, typing something and delete it again. This happens when I depended too much on a human. :(

Aku mintak maaf kalau aku ada buat salah dengan korang. Aku mintak maaf kalau aku ada hutang budi dengan korang. Almost everything is not going smooth for me, kalau ada apa salah direct pm aku ye. Aku ni banyak cakap, terlalu banyak cakap itu lah penyebab banyak dosa, aku jahat, rezeki pun malu nak masuk :(

I know I should enhance my relationship with Allah and His creatures. Please pray for me to be more istiqamah. Nak grad dengan korang, korang tunggu aku tau :'(