Wednesday, 12 October 2016

Chapter 28

I know this post will be the annoying one but I still want to write about it. I'm sorry.

It has been 4 and a quarter years, more than 5 years if we include tamhidi me being in a course which at first I didn't like it and I had hard time struggling throughout the period of disliking. But eventually I accepted my fate and I started to like it day by day as I considered it as my responsibility to treat my patients.

And now alhamdulillah I am already in my final year. Already in the last stage. But. It is very very very very hard :( Only Allah knows how hard it is for me. I know everyone is struggling right now, so am I.

Susah nak tenangkan diri, "Takpe Amalia, nak habis dah ni. Takpe kau boleh kejar diorang nanti. Takpe ada masa lagi Amalia."

I set my hope high. I dreamed. I made effort to achieve my goals. When I think I'm going to lose hope, I dream again. I started anew. I pushed myself ahead as much as I can.

Semalam aku fail lagi issue crown. Takpe sebab itu first crown aku. Biasa lah tu first timer. Tapi bila fikir balik denture dulu pun tak leh issue on the first trial. Impression pun dulu tak jadi masa first time buat. Pernah patahkan GG bur on my first time coronal flarring using GG bur. First attempt obturation fail sebab semua GP tercabut at the last step. My first denture waktu praktikal dulu horror bila ingat balik buat kerja lab selalu tak jadi. Orang lain tak macam aku. Diorang hebat. Aku tak layak sekelas dengan korang :'(

Denture tak bergerak lagi lepas issue F/F dulu :'(  Baru 2 unit per 15 which I supposedly fulfill. Paeds is too hard for me to catch up with the others. Restoration Paeds tak bergerak dari dulu. Extraction Paeds pun baru 1. Extraction adult pun baru 1 yang dikira requirement. Requirement 15 gigi kena cabut tau dak huhu. And it's already at the last part of semester 1. Allah :'(

Everyday going to school, I'm dying inside. Tengok kawan2 semua pakat busy buat kerja lab prostho. Aku sangat tak busy sebab there is no ongoing denture! Dah lama tak hidu bau lab prostho :(

I feel that I'm already mentally drained and so depressed inside. But weirdly I can appear cheerful everyday. Talking and blabbering all the time like having no problem, while in fact I am the most miserable one. Sometimes I feel like giving up, tak nak pergi sekolah, tak nak tulis folder patient, pernah sampai tak nak call patient pun untuk set appointment. It's soooo damn hard for me to push myself. Sometimes I looked up at the sky, the word of "kalau" cannot be removed from my head. Ingat umi ayah kat rumah, I just can cry. I can't tell them :( After I lost my story-telling partner, losing my listener about my days in clinic, I am severely lost. There is no one to advise me, there is no one to wish luck for me anymore. A few times I opened up your chatbox, typing something and delete it again. This happens when I depended too much on a human. :(

Aku mintak maaf kalau aku ada buat salah dengan korang. Aku mintak maaf kalau aku ada hutang budi dengan korang. Almost everything is not going smooth for me, kalau ada apa salah direct pm aku ye. Aku ni banyak cakap, terlalu banyak cakap itu lah penyebab banyak dosa, aku jahat, rezeki pun malu nak masuk :(

I know I should enhance my relationship with Allah and His creatures. Please pray for me to be more istiqamah. Nak grad dengan korang, korang tunggu aku tau :'(

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Semoga Allah permudahkan urusan kak amalia. Sy pun alami ape yg akak rase. Huhu